[12 Jun 2009|01:17pm] [ mood | pleased ] NEW LJ ALERT: lovetax the life outlined in this journal is fucking over. good riddance. and in case you haven't heard, there ain't no rest for the wicked 2 ~ Ü

alone vs lonely [08 Dec 2008|02:14pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] ummmmmm. just stopping in to say hi while i'm at the library getting books and science and spirituality. i can really be a big brat. music and books help me laugh at myself and realize life is beautiful. like the short story 'the kid nobody could handle' by kurt vonnegut. the main character is a music teacher and always has 'the world's best band'. in one part he's teaching freshmen and even though they're terrible it sounds so wonderful to him because he's hearing the way the music is going to sound. or brett dennen: "I knew my reality was clearly defined By the fences put up around my mind I watched them thickening the walls over time Taller then any borderline" he also says he'd rather be stuck up in a tree than tied to it. i miss writing in here. i miss lots of things. i gotta take care of me though. "just lonely baby, doesn't mean i'm looking for a friend. i've got plenty and i'm still learning how to lay down my life for them." 4 ~ Ü

[31 Jul 2008|02:36pm] i get by with a little help from the beatles. my heart still hurts though. i miss everybody. 2 ~ Ü

our vapid ways and numbered days [17 Jul 2008|11:45am] [ music | iron and wine - sea and the rhythm ] i am reading party monster (aka DISCO BLOODBATH: a fabulous but true tale of murder in clubland) it's keeping me sane. 5 ~ Ü

turns out i was a vampire myself in the devil town [11 Jul 2008|10:47pm] [ mood | / ] nobody gets what they deserve at least not from who they deserve it from 3 ~ Ü

[03 Jul 2008|12:57am] i love my brother and his wife so so goddamn much. mom and james are out of town from tonight til sunday and it's going to be a 'fabulous' (as nichole would say) weekend. independence weekend for realz. PAID TOMORROW! "you're a master debater" 'and you're a cunning linguist' 6 ~ Ü

i'm going to start listening to Nouvelle Vague before i go to sleep [25 Jun 2008|09:37am] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | nv- let me go ] i won't tell you this but i realize now you were the closest to bob dylan i was ever going to get. we're both better off fantasies anyway. Ü

the best minds of my generation can't make bail [16 Jun 2008|08:54am] [ music | ani - garden of simple ] and, you know, they never really owned you you just carried them around and then one day you put 'em down and found your hands were free i had drug dreams last night. anybody who's ever been in my position knows how stressful and often dangerous this can be to a person's position in recovery. i used to try very hard to remember dreams thinking that in some way or another they were meaninful and the details could somehow be related to my waking life. now i know better- that in this instance anyway the only reason i have these dreams is because my brain is still broken and that demon is still trying to feed from me. while i may have starved it to the best of my ability to this date it will always sleep within me and will always be hungry. the good news is- just for today- i don't have to let that own me. my emotions no longer have to dictate my decisions. i've kept and will continue to keep myself mentally healthy enough to remember that i have a choice. to remember that it will pass. that things are good and are only good because i haven't let my old ways of thinking take control. that this is SIMPLE and things are great and will only get better if i do the next right thing. thanks for letting me share.<3 2 ~ Ü

scene kids are way too fuckin into themselves; <3mike [15 Jun 2008|02:55pm] [ mood | silly ] oh lindsy: http://photobucket.com/image/scene%20hair%20or%20scene/babyballoongirl/Scene%20Hair/scenehair209.jpg oh lindsy: this girl thinks oh lindsy: she doesnt look like she has vd oh lindsy: and shes wrong meowfaceman: She looks like she's about to get hired as a pastry chef for the Adam's Family. oh lindsy: http://photobucket.com/image/scene%20hair%20or%20scene/babyballoongirl/Scene%20Hair/scenehair214.jpg oh lindsy: this girl knows she got vd and reps it meowfaceman: Oh holy jesus meowfaceman: Ugh. When did using that much eyeshadow ever become acceptable? oh lindsy: seriously though mike oh lindsy: look at her oh lindsy: its like oh lindsy: 'fuck it im ugly anyway' oh lindsy: 'at least i stand out this way' meowfaceman: By biting the ear off of a Hello Kittie face. oh lindsy: http://photobucket.com/image/scene%20hair%20or%20scene/babyballoongirl/Scene%20Hair/scenehair220.jpg oh lindsy: 'look ma i grew a parka' meowfaceman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHH oh lindsy: owww it hurts oh lindsy: the laughter oh lindsy: mike SHE THINKS SHE LOOKS GOOD oh lindsy: it kills me meowfaceman: If I had a kid that dressed like this, for their next birthday I would get them a handgun with one bullet and say "Do the right thing." 4 ~ Ü

[14 Jun 2008|05:13pm] dude from work told my mom that i am "so pretty" and have a "phenomenal sense of humor" i won't lie, that makes me feel really good. bout to go see blues traveler in concert, whatcha think bout that? 1 ~ Ü

this little light of mine [14 Jun 2008|07:04am] [ music | i'm going to sing every song i know today ] i watched the sunrise today. i wish i could give the way i feel as a gift to others. have a beautiful weekend, everybody. Ü

"give yourself a shot" [10 Jun 2008|10:08pm] [ mood | thankful ] today was a miracle. after talking to steve my mom came home to eat lunch and pick me up for work. she told me while we were having a cigarette that the sales manager at our store has 19 years clean in the program. still goes to conventions and things, speaks at them some and goes to three meetings or so a week. i was THRILLED. i got to talk to him with my mother some today at work. it was a blessed opportunity to show my mom what the program is doing for me. better than that it gave me a chance to show someone my mom knows, someone familiar with recovery, my progress so he could tell my mom that i am in fact on the real true right path and the passion i have for it. i went to a new meeting tonight that i kept hearing was good, the fourth dimension group. it was a speaker meeting and was really good. the best parts of it though were as follows: borrowing a book from andy (and seeing him smile when he seemed to do it so rarely when he first got here), seeing erik from allenwood in november still in york and going to meetings looking healthy and happy, getting numbers from a few girls without any precedence and seeing bill from york area group. bill was someone i'd only seen once at a meeting about a week ago. he came in, plopped down on the couch next to me and nick looking a wreck. he ended up being asked to share and he laid it all the fuck out there. he just got kicked out his half-way house. he was using. he stole some things from his roommmates. he was scared. those men in that meeting took him to the hospital that night, got him into a rehab for a few days where they babied him and then got him into another house, oddly enough rooming with my good friend steve. anyway when i saw him tonight, i barely recognized him. he was beaming. it was beautiful to see the effects of people reaching out the way they did that night. as he was walking by i said 'bill, right?' and before he even answered me his arms were around my neck. you could tell he had so much love in him he couldnt stand it. i'll be praying for him. i feel so blessed i can't stand it. anyway i had to stop writing after i wrote that last line because i realized i would call someone back and after i called that person back another person called. good people with good shit happening in their lives. so yeah i'm going to go read myself to sleep because i work all day tomorrow. <3 2 ~ Ü

happy joyous and FREE [10 Jun 2008|10:56am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | queen - don't stop me now ] "everyone always fucking talks about you, everyone acts like they love you so much" jealous much? for the first time in this journal i'm going to speak about my disease for a moment i woke up this morning and the proverbial 'hole in my soul' was gaping wide today. i've made a few steps back recently (albeit them VERY unimportant ones in the grand scheme of things) and i knew i should pray about it. instead (and there are certainly worse ways to try to fix such a void) i called a young man in the program. i laid out in front of him the couple of things that were weighing most heavily on my mind. purging myself of those thoughts might have been enough in itself but thankfully i purged them to someone working their shit out because he gave me really good advice. part of it was, in fact, to pray. part of it was to stay in today. part of it was reminding me to never let myself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. i asked why it was that when i knew the right thing to do i still had to hear it from someone else. he reminded me that my own thoughts and ideas got me into some serious shit in the past and that probably i don't and shouldn't trust my own thinking. that's enough for now. it's a beautiful day to be sober. i'm going to call deena today because i bet she's got some funny shit to say about all this. i will go to work today and immerse myself in everything i do and i can't wait to get to a meeting tonight and just maybe i'll psyche myself up enough to share some of this with someone that just might need to hear it. 2 ~ Ü

i got the bass for your face, yes i can hold it down [03 Jun 2008|09:48pm] [ music | mc chris - older crowd ] i have an mc chris habit. Ü

ai ai ai [29 May 2008|05:04am] a white guy called me 'mami' the other day. you know. like spanish dudes sometimes call women. between the way he said it and the way he looked like he was going to take a bite out of me-- --it was totally arousing. lame, right? can't sleep. took a sleeping pill. second one of the night. gave up on that. making coffee. Ü

[13 Apr 2008|10:03pm] i am going to work extra hard on being true to myself and expressing my creativity. (good goal!) 2 ~ Ü

Trogdor Molests Reptile Children with Beefy Man Arm [04 Apr 2008|06:00pm] [ mood | irritated ] ( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. ) Ü

[21 Mar 2008|08:38pm] they like cheerios. 1 ~ Ü

[19 Mar 2008|08:06am] i've been shown a lot of love lately please don't stop, it's helping me grow 3 ~ Ü

[18 Oct 2007|02:07am] my life is a fucking nightmare what in the world is supposed to make all this fucking shit worth it 2 ~ Ü

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]